Why the Ottomans do not matter to us

By Ottoman I do not mean a piece of furniture. The Ottoman Turks gave us far more than the name of a piece of furniture, which is an interior-design question best relegated to an IQ test where class and privilege matter.

The Ottoman Empire lasted far longer and became far more powerful than, say, the British, and yet the average adult and above average school student know nothing about them.

From the 15th century up until the 20th, up until the the births of of my grandparents, the Ottomans ruled that part of the world which included many of our cradles of civilization: Egypt and parts of northern Africa, southern Europe and what we now call the Balkans, and onward into what we now call - thanks to the British - the Middle East.

They made numerous contributions, all of which we think - like our civil and human liberties - fall from on high, graciously: deus ex machina or el rex le veult.

But I don't want to write a history of the Ottoman Empire. Many sources exist already, never classified, easily excavated at your local public library; and the best education is self directed.

I do want to make a note on why the Ottomans have been wiped from our historical lexicon, why we can name the Romans and the Greeks; then the French and its Sun King, Marie and her cake; the British and its majestic white kings and queens, which we are still very fond of, which is really creepy given their incessant inbreeding and bloodshed.

A fringe of us can even add the US empire to this random list, exterminating natives, stealing foreign territory, wars of foreign conquest.

But nearly 500 years of the Ottoman Empire, and a whole lot of real estate along with literary and scientific achievement, is nowhere to be found among our historical mishmash of propaganda.

Why?

Without the Ottomans the various occupations in the Middle East become humanitarian interventions. Without the Ottomans, a certain rogue apartheid racist state can be invented and an all-out land grab ensue. Without the Ottomans, the political boundaries drawn up by the British take on an ancient, timeless flavor and so are beyond scrutiny.

Without the Ottomans, the House of Saud is an ancient dynasty when it is nothing more than a West Asian Kardashian drama, and the kingdom of Jordan an episode of "Keeping Up Appearances."

The Ottomans do not matter to us because they cannot. The narrative the West needs us to believe breaks down if the Ottomans are allowed to intrude, then questions are asked, fresh options explored - like, if Humpty Dumpty Germany can be put back together, why not the Ottomans? This question cannot be asked because of "our enduring friendship with Israel" and, basically, oil, which, like the slave trade of recent times is a necessary evil the West is thoroughly willing to suffer upon others for its conglomeration called civilization.

Removing the Ottomans from our thoughts is like removing the indigenous civilizations from our history books. We are left with an untamed wilderness ripe for exploit by the Europeans and their bankers.

And before you offer a Survival of the Fittest argument for the Allies victory over the Axis Powers [Germany and the Ottomans], know that it was not British might that brought the Turks to defeat. It was monogamy.

In another blow against traditional marriage, a certain sultan broke with longstanding Ottoman custom and became a one-woman kind of guy - we are told this was "true love" - thus messing up the pool of heirs and causing discord. Before this, the sultan in charge had had several wives who bore many children, and the sultan could chose which male[sic] child was best to succeed. This provided a steady pool of qualified aspirants.

With monogamy, the one wife had to produce the one male heir, and he could have been brilliant as easily as have had no temperament for colossal rule. He might have preferred painting. He might have been an imbecile. Just look at the British.

Narratives are important, hence Bible citations and morality tales rammed down our throats. Narratives are important not only to teach lessons but as in this instance to avoid learning any altogether. Once upon a time, the West tried to fix the Middle East - not, how it was intentionally broken in the first place. And, the gods help us, the West will kill them trying.